Mistaken Identity
by TheMysteryReviewer3624
Summary: Alice foresees a visit to Britain. As for what the Cullens will find there... well, they're in for a shock. DISCONTINUED, although there is a faint possibility that a rewrite will rear its ugly head.


**A/N: My first crossover fic, set about seven years after Breaking Dawn. Bear with me: I have no idea where this one is going to go….**

Nessie's POV

Alice bounced into the room with a characteristic squeal.

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODWE'REGOINGTOBRITAIN!"

Dad rolled his eyes. "Could you repeat that, Alice? I think there might have been a few people in Australia who didn't hear you."

Alice stuck her tongue out at him. "We're going to Scotland! Oh, I can't wait!"

"And why are we going to Scotland, Alice?" Grandpa Carlisle murmured, smiling indulgently.

Alice beamed angelically. "I saw us visiting Alistair in Scotland. Well, I didn't exactly see it: I was just trying to see if the Volturi ever bothered him, the way he predicted they would, but his future disappeared. And all of ours are still invisible to me, but the futures of everyone living near us have reappeared, so we must be visiting him."

I shuddered. Jake looked at me concernedly, so I touched his hand, showing him my memory of how creepy I found Alistair last time I saw him. He nodded. "Yeah, that guy is pretty weird."

"Not as bad as Dracula One and Two, though," I told him.

Dad turned on me. "Renesmee! _Stefan _and _Vladimir_ helped save your life! The least you could do is show a little respect for them."

I shrugged. "They're still creep-tacular."

"Getting back to the issue at hand," Jasper said quickly, "where are we going to stay? It'll have to be near enough to a forest that we can hunt."

"Get me a map," Alice ordered. She batted away the one Grandpa Carlisle held out. "_Not_ one from the sixteen-fifties, Carlisle!"

"Sorry," Grandpa Carlisle said apologetically.

Jasper handed her a more recent map, and she began to pore over it. "Aha, here we go. A lovely big forest, far away from any civilisation."

"Great," Rosalie said under her breath. "Guess we're going camping."

But neither Jasper nor Alice was listening to her. They were staring at the two maps. "Look," Jasper murmured. "This forest – it looks _exactly _the same in the sixteen-fifties map. The shape has barely changed." In a flash, he left and returned, bringing several maps from different eras, and began to compare the forest in each one.

"Weird," Alice agreed. "Still, if it's that old it won't be one of those awful Christmas-tree-type plantations, where the biggest game you can find is rabbits."

"Yay, no rabbits!" Emmett cheered.

Jake grinned. "Bet he doesn't like killing rabbits 'cause he thinks they're too cute," he muttered.

"Yeah. Or maybe he has a secret phobia of rabbits," I whispered back.

"I do NOT!" Emmett cried indignantly.

Rosalie chose that moment to join the conversation. "Do you want to know the _real_ reason why he's so… _adverse_ to killing rabbits?" she purred. We all nodded quickly.

She smirked. "Well… suffice it to say that I have a pair of fluffy bunny ears – I believe it was a Christmas gift – that comes in _very _handy on some nights…"

"EW!" I shrieked, clapping my hands over my ears. "I _so_ did not need to know that!" Everyone else was now helpless with laughter, except for Emmett, who was frantically shouting, "She lies! Lies upon lies!"

"Well," said Jake when we had all recovered, "if there's no more hysteria-causing news, I'm gonna go work on the Rabbit."

Rosalie snorted.

Jake turned towards her, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "You got a problem with my car, Blondie?" he said. Uh-oh. Jake was _very_ protective of the Rabbit. Somehow he'd managed to keep it going for seven years, and he planned on keeping it alive as long as he possibly could.

"Your car is crap, mutt." Well, that was blunt.

"Nah, you're just jealous 'cause you know you can't repair it, and I can," Jake shot back, heading out the door.

Rosalie followed him. We followed her. "Excuse me?" she demanded. "_I_ can outfight, outlast, outdance, and just generally beat _you_ at anything. Including engineering."

Ouch. "Y'know… she's right about the outdancing part," I said apologetically.

Jake's face fell. "I thought you were supposed to be on _my_ side, Ness," he said reproachfully. I smiled and touched the side of his face, showing him an idea by way of recompense. Immediately his face brightened. "Thanks, Ness!"

He turned back to Rosalie. "_This_ you can't beat me at," he said gleefully, and without a single backwards glance he threw himself into a muddy puddle.

Rosalie bit her lip, and pretended to be inspecting her nail. Alice's face looked like she was in pain. "Stupid mutt!" Rosalie snapped at last, turning on her heel and walking briskly indoors again.

"Jacob Ephraim Black!" Alice shrieked. "How _dare _you challenge Rosalie to jump into a muddy puddle! Do you know what brand the dress she's wearing is? Do you know how exclusive that brand is? Do you know the lengths I had to go to –"

"It was Nessie's idea!" the now dripping Jake yelped with a panicked look on his face.

Alice whirled around. "As for _you_, Renesmee Carlie Cullen…!" she snarled, stalking towards me.

Fortunately, an idea hit me at that moment. I whipped off my expensive, high-heeled shoes and held them over the puddle. "No closer or the shoes get it!" I yelled.

Alice hurriedly backed up. Everyone burst into laughter. Alice fake-sniffled. "Nobody loves me!" she fake-sobbed. "Everybody hates me!"

"Don't talk like that, Alice, we love you really!" my mum cried, rushing over to give her pixie-like sister a hug.

I rolled my eyes. "Mum, I hate to break this to you, but you're a sucker for emotional blackmail," I told her.

We all headed back inside. Suddenly, Alice's head jerked up. "Oh, Carlisle!" she called. "Can we stop in London on our way to Scotland?"

"Of course," Grandpa Carlisle replied mildly. "May I ask why?"

"To shop, of course!" Alice said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Emmett didn't find it obvious. "But you can shop here," he pointed out, looking baffled.

Alice gave an exasperated sigh. "But I want to experiment with British fashion! Oh, I can just see Carlisle in tweeds…" she mused.

"Tweeds?" Jake said with an audible gulp, and was out of the door in a millisecond.

Alice grinned. "Revenge," she said in her most evil voice, "is _sweet_."

**REVIEW! What would you like to happen? **


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